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| i feel so small... i am sooo depressed right now... i have very little will to live... i know this sounds very repeticious with me, but that is my life... but i havent felt this low in a long time... when it has come to the point where i can actually cry, its bad...i just want to dissappear... can you help me? "lie to me, convince me that i have been sick forver... and all of this will make sense when i'll get better..." -Evanescence... "Breathe No More" | | |
| i feel really low... but is suicide the answer? i just want to dissappear... to fade away from existance... | | |
| i was having my usual therapy session with, of course, my therapist... and... and we she was talking about how the dbt therapists were discussing how i really dont need to be in the dbt class anymore since i have the majority of the skill ingrained in my head... so instead, i will continue to meet with my therapist twice a week and do individual dbt therapy with her and i will still be able to use the dbt phone (thank god)... but that got me thinking, as i am getting better, do i really want to? honestly, do i want to be at that place where everything is just peachy? where everything is... ok. i am so deathly afraid of that... for real... everytime i think about it i get shakey, my mind races, i get confused... i dont like thinking about it... two weeks ago, my therapist said that i should be done with CDT by the end of next year... what am i going to do? will i be ready? i am freaking out... i dont know what i am going to do with myself when i am done with CDT... because i am highly doubtful that the whole OCC thing will resolve, my whole tuition there will not be wavered... Lisa told me that in the message she sent to my case manager... i am fucked... i sooo want to cut... i ate like a fucking pig today... i had 2 hotdogs and some chicked and rice... and i didnt purge it... fucking PIG... i want to cut everything out... the ugliness, the stress... EVERYTHING!!! | | |
| for most of the day i was on a high... i was manic... i am crashing... i feel so fucking low... so fucking low... my body, my mind so burdened... i want to cut sooo fucking bad... i am a worthless piece of shit... i dont feel too good about myself right now... a few nights ago, i think it was sunday night, a thought ran through my head, i am not afraid, i do not have anything holding me down from acting on my suicidal urges... if i wasnted to, i could just OD on the pills in my house... wash them down with a bottle of wine... and sleep it off... permantly... sigh... i just feel low... i want to cry but i just cannot find the tears... i wish i had some reassurance... i want to cut so fucking bad... not the superficial shit that ppl do (and i am not saying everyone does)... i want to go deep, so much freakin blood... to forget... to get high... to deal... | | |
| hello... i haven't been here for a while... i have been avoiding most things for a while... i mean i have been on SH, but other than that, no... i have even been avoiding ppl on aim... things are gradually getting dim... i was in treatment for about 6 weeks for mu bulimia... but had to leave for insurance crap, and my doc there had the nerve to say "well, people with your kind of thing usually stay there for 4-6 weeks anyways"... what a dick... i wasnt ready, and not everyone does fall into that time space... believe me, i have researched... but i am receiving support from my dear friends at ophelia's place... dont know what i would do without them, my bestest bud jess, and my therapist and back up therapist... this weekend and especially today was tough... i was tearing up several times... and i was frusterated with this program i go to during the day... this is what happened... this girl asked te manager if she could go to sleep (several of us were waiting to see the doc -she was one of them), so he let her go to the heal-touch room (a room with a bed and chair and a raidio i think)... wtf? ok when i feel exhausted to the point where i can barely function, and they basically make me go to program, i ask to rest for a half hour (not asking for much) and they tell me no... i cant even sleep on the mats in the DBT room...if she had trouble sleeping last night, she should see teh nurse practitioner for some sleep aids, or get some from the pharmace or drug store... i am so fucking pissed... i just want to tear up my arm... just fuck everything up... i dont give a shit anymore... they dont give a shit about me, why should i care what they think... i have a legitimate reason to be tired, her? arrrg!!!! i just dont know what to do... just stuff stuff stuff... | | |
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